My Biggest Fear.

WARNING: PIC HEAVY!


Andy got his permit. Yes, Learner's Permit...not License.



On Wednesday the 28th...

I know I've been holding him back, from being independent and driving on his own.
I'm scared.
I'm scared that he could crash.
I'm scared that someone could hit him.
I'm scared he might DIE.
I wish I could put a protective bubble around him.

At almost 20 he should have been driving long before.
But I'm selfish. I really just wanted to protect him.

I wanted to make damn sure that I knew he had arrived to his destination successfully.
This meant taking and picking him up from work, taking him to the store, taking him to a friends house, everything. Not to mention it was more time that I could spend with him.


I don't know what I would do, or where I would be without him.
My life really wouldn't have a purpose if he were not there anymore.

And see, If I had never met him it wouldn't matter, obviously.
Life would go on.
But once someone or something great comes into your life, you want it to last forever.
And generally you would do anything to protect that one thing. He's it, my one thing to protect with my life.
But if something were to happen, my life would be torn to shreds.
That one thing you worked so hard to hold on to, gone.
You long for it once it's gone and weep. And every tiny thing reminds you. The flood of tears and that lead ball in the pit of your stomach slips out from the shadows.
I just, I would be LOST without him.



I held him back, I caused his pain.
He's catching on to driving rather quickly though. We went on an hour long drive tonight.

My cat has a horrible licking obsession. She grooms herself to the point at which she pulls patches of her fur out. No fleas though??




By the way, I don't know how many of you out there are WoWfags but let me just say that World of Warcraft RUINS relationships. But sometimes I secretly play. 0_o



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Recent Pics:




I hate candid shots. I always look like I'm nuts.



In a Moby cd ^_^


Again, I always look like a crackhead.


My nose is HUGGGGEEEE!


I hate my green camera. It sucks.
Worst $119 I've ever spent. Grrr



God, I love Ring Pops!



There damn well better be something in my eye for me to look this retarded.

Goodwilling it! Yesterday's Finds

Went to Goodwill yesterday afternoon...
With our trusty discount card (Frequent shoppers get 15% off)
but for some reason we are only getting 10% off... hmmm
AND FOUND:

-2 Pairs of jeans for me
2 (5.00 - .50 Discount = 4.50 each) = 9.00

-brand new DDR Mat (now I have 4 *_*)
@ 4.00 [No discount because it's a specialty item.]



-A very, very nice 2pc black suit for Andy
Was 7.50 -.75 Discount = $6.75

- A Netgear Modem
Was 3.00 - .30 Discount = 2.70




- Pink & Black heels originally from Target
New with tags!!! *NOTE: The roach in the picture is a keychain.*
Was 4.00 - .40 Discount = 3.60


- Mercenaries 2 shirt for Andy
1.75 -.18 Discount = 1.57

-Star Wars Tshirt for Andy
1.75- .18 Discount = 1.57

- Def Leppard [Rock of Ages Tour 2005] Tshirt for Cynthia
1.75 - .18 Discount = 1.57



- A Black leather [fake leather] star bracelet
Was 1.00 - .10 Discount = .90

Oh Yea Forgot something.

It snowed the last week and I forgot to mention it.
Sunday night, Monday morning.

Here's the pics:



Cynthia and her zombie boobie holder shirt.



SnowHoe


Behind my parents house




One of my cold little kitties.
This one is Starr.


Andy's bigass snow ball.



We looked busted...damn.





Well she is...


Andy at Nana's house. ME >>>>> ^^^^^^

I miss the old days.

What I'm doing AT THIS VERY MOMENT... intense isn't it?

1. Looking for an apartment.
2. Looking for a job.
3. Missing my old self
4. Rehashing all the good times on my old Xanga.
xanga.com/push9monkeys
5. Missing being 14-16 years old. Those rocked
6. Thinking seriously about dropping about 65-70 lbs.
7. I have a Twitter now. Push9monkeys


Andy has a business meeting today. And I can't go. boooo. Some dude with a computer company wants to help him get his business of the ground.

Cynthia is in Greensboro for the weekend.
I got 3 new bras yesterday, two of which have matching panties. ^_^
I'm desperate for brassières. Truly.

Cynthia hates the word Funk... so FUNK FUNK FUNK FUNK FUNK!!!!

I have to run to Goodwill and to pay the jewelers bill. More money sucked out of me. BLAHHHH

Oh and I have to downsize. What the fuck is that shit?
I have ALOT of stuff. And Andy says that if we want to be able to fit in an apartment we will have to downsize. Not necessarily get rid of stuff, just we will have to leave it behind at my parents house. Like free storage. BLAH. This will be a task.

Brillo Pads made my hands smell like rust and soap scum.

For Andy

This was actually written for a chick but whatever.

"I Like for You to Be Still"

"I like for you to be still: it is as though you were absent,
and you hear me from far away and my voice does not touch you.
It seems as though your eyes had flown away
and it seems that a kiss had sealed your mouth.

As all things are filled with my soul
you emerge from the things, filled with my soul.
You are like my soul, a butterfly of dream,
and you are like the word Melancholy.

I like for you to be still, and you seem far away.
It sounds as though you were lamenting, a butterfly cooing like a dove.
And you hear me from far away, and my voice does not reach you:
Let me come to be still in your silence.

And let me talk to you with your silence
that is bright as a lamp, simple as a ring.
You are like the night, with its stillness and constellations.
Your silence is that of a star, as remote and candid.

I like for you to be still: it is as though you were absent,
distant and full of sorrow as though you had died.
One word then, one smile, is enough.
And I am happy, happy that it's not true."
~Pablo Neruda

Discipline These Damn Kids

Am I the only person who gets incredibly pissed off when watching Nanny911??

I mean honestly, what ever happened to corporal punishment? If I would have behaved like some of these brats do I would have got my ass whooped with a belt, flyswatter, switch, or 5 gallon paint stir stick. This shit is ridiculous parents are pussy-footing around, letting their kids run their lives.
NEWSFLASH: You gave birth to them, therefore you are more powerful than they are. CONTROL THEM. Some of these kids just need to get their fuckin block knocked off.
And no I'm not talking child abuse. There's a HUGE fuckin' difference.

It is completely the parents fault. Boy you just wait till I have kids. I dare them to mess with me. I'm not going to be bossed around by a child. I firmly believe in corporal punishment and so does Andy. Spare the rod, spoil the child.

Time outs FAIL.
Just saying no... FAILS

Sometimes associating doing something wrong with pain works. I mean damn it worked for me and Andy and every kid who was raised during the 90's or earlier. Then people started calling Child Abuse at every child swatted for misbehaving.

And furthermore, why do parents continue to child proof EVERYTHING.
Like an ex co worker of mine had a baby shower for another co worker at her house. She gave us a tour of the house, which bugs me also. I hate it when people give tours of their house. Too showy for my tastes. Anyway back to topic, This house was so child proofed she had bumpers on the corners of her bed posts, bumpers on corners of tables,outlet covers, a stove guard, a child locked fridge, locks on the cabinets, and a cover thingy on the door handle. You have to squeeze the door handle bumper and then turn the knob.

WHAT??? Are you kidding me??
Only two of these were used when I was a child. And this was 1989. Now my parents had a brand new house and child proofed it as much as possible. They only used the cabinet locks, and the electrical outlet covers. And I turned out perfect...well for most part. If a child is told not to touch the hot stove and touches it anyway then it gets burned the finds out that it hurts and it wont do that shit anymore. Kind of extreme but I knew not to touch the stove.

Whatever...going job hunting.

Christian Nymphos? Wow

I stumbled across a website like 5 minutes ago. And I'm shocked, amazed, proud, and weirded out all at the same time.
Christian Nymphos is a website dedicated to Christian women who are madly sexually driven to their husbands. I just never knew wild and crazy sex existed in a very religious family. Ya kow.
Heh, you learn something everyday. Am I really the only person who never knew this existed? hmmm Now I'm very curious. ^_^


Christian Nymphos

Kitty Communication & New Operating System

I did it!!!

I successfully communicated with my cat, Leia, through yawns.

Sounds dorky, I know.
But get this.
You know how someone can yawn and you yawn too, as reflex sorta thing.
Yea well I yawned, the Leia yawned, then me again from seeing her do it, and she did it one more time. So yea communication on some level.

On to other news, As of right now (12:38AM) my computer is being updated to Windows 7.
Windows 7 (Build 7000) is the sequel to Vista. This is only released as a beta version right now. But I have the crack to it. ^_^

It is AWESOME:

Music cures all

I am living proof that music cures almost all ailments.
My splitting headache was cured by some mellow 90's one hit wonders!

Infertility? But I'm ONLY 19!!!

Andy and I have been together for almost 3 glorious years. Married for erm let's see Sept 2007 to now. What is that? like a year and 4 months or something. Anywho, So we've never, in 3 years, used protection of any kind. Do the math, yes I was 17 when I met him. Not that I was really trying to get preggo at 17 but I wasn't gonna try and stop it. I had a great job at the time.
Anyways so in 3 years of unprotected sex and no "pulling out"...no babies. No inkling of babies. NOTHING. Even with my ex boyfriends (3 of them unprotected) I never got pregnant. Now it can't be that I have found 3 duds. So it must be me. >_> Great.
Sometimes I get missed periods but they come back within 2 months or so. I attempted a home ovulation test. Seems as if I don't ovulate. Of course, these things could be wrong. But 3 years.

And I know I'm a little hefty and I very well know that could be a problem but I was about 160lbs when Andy and I met. pffft.
One other possible cause that I refuse to rule out is SECOND HAND SMOKE. Both of my parents smoke. My dad smoked all my life and I grew up in a nicotine tanished house with yellow walls, musty smells, and ash trays in every room. And the smoked while they cooked. (Can't get any better than that can it?? FUUUUUCK). I blame them. I blame my horrible asthma on them. Yes I have bunches of cats & yes I'm allergic to them but only two of them are inside. So they can't be the cause of my asthma and allergies. I live with an inhaler, a vaporizer, nebulizer, & air purifier. I hate living here. The smoke just rises to the top level of this house where Andy and I live. (yes We live in the upstairs of my parents house...it's cheaper. $200 a month rent..cmon now). We are although gonna build a wall and door to make the house more like a duplex than a two story house. Hopefully I will be able to breathe better.

Anyways, back to the infertility thing.
I came across quite a few articles listing infertility as a "side-effect" (to me it's not a side effect, it's a dream shattered). Could it be that my parents and their selfish smoking ruined my chances of hearing the pitter patter of little feet?
I've considered going to the doctor (and I hate docs) and seeing if I really am infertile or if it's Andy. But I'm terrified of knowing the answer.
But I'm willing to undergo IVF treatments and take fuckin medication. Even though I fuckin hate pills, shots I can do, but being on a medication freaks me out. And I know the chances of getting multiples are very high. Whatever. I'll take 3...or 5. Whatever I just want one at least. I would be eternally grateful for just one.

Problems with my car

I own this 1997 Pontiact Grand Am GT (POS- Piece of shit for idiots) ,
My car has ALOT of problems. Obviously, I'm not the only one with issues with this car. Seems others say this car sucks also.
What couldn't go wrong with this car???

Let me list my problems:
1. Front Driver & both back windows wont go up or down
2. The front passenger window will roll down about 2-3 inches and then stop and you have to let it "recharge"
3. When you attempt to turn the volume down using the radio knob it makes itself louder and you actually have to slightly pull the knob out and turn it to make it work.
4. Radio eats cassette tapes
5. The front passenger door wont lock with the power lock.
6. To unlock the car, I have to unlock the front passenger side with the key and then hit the unlock button, walk around the driver side and then get in.
7. The key lock on the ignition is broken so I can pull my key out and the car is still running. Which isn't such a bad thing.
8. The button on the emergency brake is stuck inward so I can't use the E brake if I needed.
9. The strutter on the shocks, I believe it is called, has come loose and is trying to put a hole through my hood. It has made a quarter size convex dent in the hood and I'm still driving on it.
10. oh and no air conditioning (and again...only one window goes down)
11. Trunk won't unlock with key.
12. Drivers side button that controls the side view mirrors has slid into the door panel and I can't get it to stay in the hole.
13. The interior lighting such as the radio, dash console area (guages and such), & radio control button on the steering wheel have red lights under the buttons to illuminate them and they get really warm.
14. Shift lock button on the gear shift won't work. Luckily, I don't have kids.
15. Carpet comes up every once in a while.
16. Horn is very sensitive and the whole front of the steering wheel is the horn so you can be getting out of the car (which is EXTREMELY low to the ground)and honk at random people. And they give you the strangest looks.

Library for freebies

So I have a bad habit of going to the library to borrow CD's & DVD's in large sums, taking them back to my house to burn copies of. >_>

Here's what I got this week:

CD's:

Pearl Jam - Binaural
Pearl Jam - Yield
The White Stripes - Icky Thump
Jimmy Buffet- Songs You Know By Heart
Aerosmith - Just Push Play
STP- Tiny Music
Barenaked Ladies - Are Me
The Cure - The Head on the door (2 disc collection)
Everclear - Ten Years Gone
Hanson - 3 car garage
Fiest - Let it die
Madonna - Ray of Light
Moby - Last Night
Now 8
John Mayer - Room For Squares
Crazy Town - The gift of game
Bon Jovi- Crush
Desperate Housewives - Soundtrack
Maroon 5- It won't be soon before long
Ashlee Simpson- I Am Me
Ashlee Simpson- Bittersweet World
Simple Plan - Self Titled
Linkin Park - Minutes to Midnight
Lindsay Lohan - Speak


DVD's:
Desperate Housewives- Season 4 Discs 1 &2
Dinosaurs The Complete 1st & 2nd seasons (4 Disc)
^^^ You totally remember that show, it rocked^^^
Chasing Amy


The library doesn't have the best selection but hey free is free.
Frugality at it's finest! ^_^